Jokes & Giggles

Sperm Bank Robbery
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a
shotgun." Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies. "We don't
have any money;
this is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue!..........Open the fucking safe or I'll
blow your head off"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the
guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's
amazement, it's her husband.
"Not that fucking difficult, is it!" he says.

A Driving Debacle
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem,
Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
"Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Bad Hearing
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's
hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.
Whenyour wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner.
He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf
bastard!"


The difference between Potential and Reality.
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. 
 
Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, I'll display it to you.
Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. 
Then come back and tell me what you've learned.
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. 
 
He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt? 
His mother looks around slyly, and the with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her,  Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt?  His sister looks up and says, oh my god! Definitely!

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him. Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt? 
His brother thinks about it and says, For a million bucks, I suppose I would.
The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think I've figured it out.

Potentially, we are sitting on three millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and a poofter.

Vacuum cleaner
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good
morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners."
"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded
to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over
her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."

Viagra, The Wonder Drug
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud
physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra,
that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are
history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What
does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."